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Episode 895 Being Alone in Retirement
This is Retirement Talk. I’m Del Lowery.
I’ve entitled this episode Being Alone in Retirement
My friend Dale sits at a sidewalk cafe every day. He reads, drinks coffee and minds his own business. He is a loner. He dines alone, lives alone and is also dying of cancer - alone. He lives alone. The restaurant gave him a special cup with VIP written on it. Coffee is free – every day. Compliments of a kind restaurant owner. It has been this way for 19 months. Ever since he was diagnosed with Asbestos's.
His childhood home was 20 miles from an asbestos plant in Waukegan, Illinois. Wind blew the invisible particles his way. Only recently the doctors gave him not more than 6 months to live. Hospice came on board. The 6 months have evolved into 19 months. He continues to hang on. He goes to a gym three days a week. He goes for walks every morning along the coast. He sits on benches and gazes quietly out at the sea. He moves silently among us. He lives in social isolation. Always has.
Social isolation is a major problem for retired people. We can lose all emotional contact with others. We lose people to care about. Our phone never rings. We sit at home alone; perhaps get a dog, a cat or a bird. According to a recently published book it is our major problem in retirement. When our work life ends many of us are relegated to a role where we are not required to socialize with others. We retreat. We pull back. We have no claim to fame. We see ourselves as having no worth to society. Slowly we fade away. Not a pretty picture.
Dale is retired. He did retire early; perhaps 15 years ago. He likes to read. And that is what he has done. That and lift weights. As I said, he likes to walk, sit by the water and drink coffee. He has chosen to not watch television. He doesn’t have one. He doesn’t like noise, he doesn’t listen to the radio. He doesn’t listen to music. He listens to the sounds of the sea. He has a disc of ocean wave sounds.
When he was a child his mother placed him in a crib in the kitchen and never picked him up: never hugged him, never kissed him, never showed any sign of affection. I have since read that this was the accepted method of child rearing at the time. Parents tried to do their best. They wanted to raise independent children. Some experts said that every hug, every kiss, every sign of affection weakened the child. To raise independent adults parents needed to foster independent children. Dale is one of the end products.
Social isolation became a way of life. Being alone became a way of life. It may seem sad to some, me for example, but I’m not sure. He is accepting. After being given just a short time to live he has continued in his ways. We were having Dale over for dinner one night a week for many months since his medical assessment. As a matter of fact he is coming over again tomorrow night. Then he had a conflict on the night of our usual invitation. They have since become less frequent. I think the obligation of a routine dinner invitation was a bit of strain on his habits.
He never joined any group or causes. He never took part in any community projects. No church, no clubs, nothing. Dale is a Stanford graduate, good listener, bright guy. People like Dale but there is a wall. Emotional contact is absent.
Social isolation is something most of us resist. We don’t like to be alone. We like to share a meal. We like to share a story. We like to share our lives. However some people choose differently. Or at least, live their life without these emotional bonds. Reasons for why we are like what we are may remain a secret from all including ourselves. My Dad used to insist that I get up off the couch and do something with my life. He didn’t give directions as to where I was to go or what I was to do. He just insisted that I go somewhere and do something. It stuck. I still have to get up and get out. My dad never read books on child rearing, philosophy or psychology. His childhood was lived on a farm in the Midwest during the depression. He knew the value of work and the value of putting yourself forward. I was lucky.
We all have to battle that inner sense of isolation and the fact that we are each born and die alone. We strive to mitigate the condition. Family and friends serve the purpose then they drop away. We may be left to be the last leaf upon the tree.
One thing about it. If we don’t put out the effort to establish emotional contact we will find ourselves to be more and more alone.
PS Dale has since died. A group of eight of us gathered on Taylor Street dock and scattered his ashes into the bay. A bouquet of flowers followed. We watched as they silently drifted into eternity.
This is Retirement Talk.
If you have questions, comments or suggestions contact del@retirementtalk.org
A resource from a listener: Best Free Online Degrees for Seniors guide is designed to assist seniors who aspire to enhance their intellect or consider starting a new career path. It features an overview of the top online degrees for seniors, emphasizing their numerous advantages, and a broad range of subjects to choose from. A friend's website: Terra Firma Designs: Fine Furniture, Stained Glass and woodworking workshops. Copyright 2010 RetirementTalk.org |
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